I love this quote from a Chris Williamson podcast;

“Do people love you for who you are or what you do? This is uncomfortable to consider. People loving us for who we are feel more real, genuine, caring, empathetic, and robust. It feels like we’re less fickle and more difficult to lose. On the other hand, people loving us for what we do feels transactional and transient. The love we receive becomes contingent on what achievements and successes we can offer in return. And the obvious fear is that if there came a point where we no longer had anything to offer in return, would our love be taken away? 

So here’s an even more uncomfortable question.  Do You love You for who you are or what you do? You see, we want the world to love us for who we are. A balanced, caring view of of our true value independent of our accomplishments. Meanwhile, our own self-love is largely determined by what we do. If we fall short, even though we know that we tried our best, we still castigate ourselves for being insufficient, unworthy creatures. So we want the world to show up for us in a way that we are often not prepared to show up for ourselves.”

This a beautiful quote, and it really drives home both the need for us to look at ourselves and then at others also. Because the quality of the love we receive from others is important. We have only a few vital needs as humans. One of them is love. The study done in the 40’s in which babies purposedly not given loving interaction and connection literally died is proof enough. We do not do well as a species without love. We do not thrive if we do not love ourselves. We do not thrive if we do not love others. We might survive, but we do not thrive. And who wants to do that? I can’t say for you, but I want to thrive! So if you are with me let’s get this relationship stuff tackled! 

I want you to spend the next few days listening to what you say to the people you spend time with. And what they say to you. Are the words or tone between you loving and supportive? There will be varying degrees naturally, depending on the relationship. But for a few days, just observe and take notes. You don’t need to form opinions immediately just really start taking stock. 

The reason I am asking you to do this is simple. When the emotional body takes negative emotion from someone you deem important, it affects the cells of your entire body energetically. Now, when I say important, I don’t just mean romantic or family in your life. Your Bosses, colleagues, and even causal friends enormously impact your emotional body. If your communications with the people in your life even have a “sarcastic sitcom banter,” it is taken on by the emotional body as a genuine attack. This has to be taken stock of because your cells match that energy. We already know why that matters. Anything that “depresses” your cells, depresses you! Compromise will always have its say in the final product! You are the product!

One evening when my children were 7-5, & 3 I was cooking dinner and semi listening to what they were watching on cable tv. I couldn’t believe the disrespect and sarcastic character assassination that was the undertone during all the interactions in the tv program. I have no idea what the program was but I called the cable company that instant and demanded they unhook us. Then I went to the garage, got wire pliers and cut the cable in the wall where the television sat. This kind of “banter” while it might seem innocent and all done in “fun” is not healthy. Now, there is nothing wrong with some teasing and practical joking. But when there are strong vibes of character assassination, belittling, and casual cruelty be careful. I had cable removed from my children’s childhood because children do what they see. It becomes normal even if it is really awful. They are little parrots. And I did not want them speaking to anyone in that way. 

Words have power, and for my children to learn to use them disrespectfully was simply unacceptable. Today my children are among the most respectful and considerate adults you will meet. They speak kindly to others. All others. I refused to have them influenced while they lived (until 8 years old) in delta and alpha brain waves in ways that I did not want them to mimic. So, as I guarded them, you need to guard yourself. The first step is awareness. Start observing. 

The next is affirmative and concise action. Where? Always begin by working with yourself first. Everything starts with the self. Understand that you have been a match to people speaking negatively to you if you have had negative inner dialogue. No one can speak to you in a way that you are not a vibrational match for. And while you may already be actively changing the relationship that you are having with how you speak to yourself the relationships with others were built when you weren’t aware of that. So now the work now is to see that they responded and built according to who you were. And it is first your responsibility to rebuild between you and you and then move that process outside of you. 

So if you find that you have critical friends, that is a reflection of the critical nature that you used to treat yourself with. We are a vibrational match to the friends we keep. You can not change anything that is flying under your radar. Now that you have spotted it, it is time to check in with yourself to see how you feel about it. Try hearing the words with only your heart. Not filtered through your analytical processes. Does it create a sore spot? Be as honest with yourself as you can when evaluating your reaction to the interactions you are having. This can be difficult because if you have spoken disrespectfully to yourself, you will likely accept it from others. And that is not healthy, I can assure you.

The reason this is so important is that when the emotional body receives the message that you are under attack, it will seek to protect you. If it can not prompt you verbally or by way of moving out of range of the painful interaction, it will produce a less-than-wanted physical response. And that response within the physical body will be to add layers of “physical” substance. Often a fat layer to serve as “protection” against painful interactions. Again, words have power. Your physical body in its wisdom and unfailing desire to protect and preserve you will respond in any way it can to protect. Your heart is absolutely essential to your physical body. It must be protected in every way to preserve your life. Emotional bubbles are being sent for you to take notice of the feelings your heart is experiencing. These little messengers from your emotional body if they are suppressed the physical body will take action to protect your heart.  Even if it means adding unwanted layers of fat beneath your skin as armor to shield you.

Now, no one has perfect relationships. Relationships are the most rewarding – but also hardest. They have the highest learning curves, and the most risk, of any other venture the human can undertake. AND they are absolutely essential to our happiness too! Ohhhh yeahyah for Us! LOL 

We have the power to alter the nature of our interaction with anyone. Easily actually. More easily than you might imagine. If, while you are evaluating a relationship for its level of support or its level of detriment, you find it to be lacking, you have many choices. My first suggestion would be simply to change your responses. If you commonly put yourself down in this persons presence stop. Absolutely make this a personal boundry. Make a mantra before you see them. “I will love me. My words will love me. I will love me. My words will love me. I will love me. My words will love me” If they do the belittling just do not respond in any way as if it didn’t occur. 

Very often in relationships, especially the more casual ones, it is enough for you to simply shift your position and your response. If there is confrontation about it, or you feel there needs to be, just simply state that you have altered your position in how you view yourself. “I am choosing not to put myself down anymore.” And then smile openly. If they wish for elaboration, just say that you are not feeling aligned with that type of teasing any longer now that you are loving yourself more. Then, smile sweetly and openly. The truth is always the best and most accepted response. (Honestly, it may leave them dumbstruck, but it is very effective I promise.)

If they have a negative response do not follow them there. Hold your emotional ground and simple say once again. “I am just choosing to love and respect myself more.”Even if they do not in that conversation as some people are not capable of changing in the moment, they will spend a lot of time considering what you offered. I guarantee it!

You might even find them resonating with the meaning of your words. Possibly they also are in need of a real friend. It may be that they will follow you on this journey and become your green friend. And we all need green friends. Truly in my experience very few people that I meet are truly loving to themselves. The subtle shift in you will cause very different responses from the people you interact with. Loving yourself is unbelievably attractive. And if you have begun to meditate they will sense a peace about you beginning to take hold that will also be new and beautiful. 

If a person continues to treat you in negative ways, limit your interactions with them as much as possible. As you practice loving yourself, more and more negative interactions with other people will matter less and less. And as they matter less and less they will become less frequent. 

If a close relationship is toxic, and by toxic, I mean that the relationship makes you frequently feel poorly about yourself in some way, you may have to evaluate the need for separation, counseling, or ending. I know this is very difficult for long-standing friendships, partnerships, or family relations. But if you are going to seriously begin loving yourself you will have to ask the hard questions. Some of which will be something like: What is my happiness worth to me? This person is hurtful to me during the majority of our interactions. Are they worth more than my health and happiness if I can not get through to them what my needs are in this relationship? 

You will also become aware that the more love you are working to show to yourself the less effect others may have on you. That is wonderful side effect of loving yourself. And always remember that you came into this world worthy of love. Worthy of respect. Worthy of happiness. You do not have to barter for your worthiness.  You do not need to pay for it. You do not owe anyone for it. You came worthy, deserving and full of greatness. 

The following will be difficult for those of you who, like me suffer from people-pleasing tendencies. When you are serious about loving yourself, you have to make how you feel more important than how they feel. You did not come to be the rug they wipe their muddy feet on. During the next negative interaction you have with someone, ask yourself, “What would someone who loved themselves do right now?” You do not need to be unkind to anyone, just firm. Explain your feelings and boundaries to them. If you can not respect them no matter how many times you point it out, then suggest mediation or counseling. If that is refused, and nothing changes, or it only changes for very short intervals and you can end the relationship, do. Period. Push-pull relationships are among the most toxic. End it at least for a time. Get some distance.

I know endings hurt, and it’s likely terrifying. And choosing yourself is incredibly hard for a people-pleaser I understand that. But you are not helping them to evolve either by staying in a toxic relationship. Your staying is not loving to either of you. What is best for you is always best for both of you. Period. Always. And by best I certainly don’t mean easiest, or most peaceful. Bullies always choose peacemakers for a reason. 

I love this quote from a Chris Williamson podcast;

“Do people love you for who you are or what you do? This is uncomfortable to consider. People loving us for who we are feel more real, genuine, caring, empathetic, and robust. It feels like we’re less fickle and more difficult to lose. On the other hand, people loving us for what we do feels transactional and transient. The love we receive becomes contingent on what achievements and successes we can offer in return. And the obvious fear is that if there came a point where we no longer had anything to offer in return, would our love be taken away? 

So here’s an even more uncomfortable question.  Do You love You for who you are or what you do? You see, we want the world to love us for who we are. A balanced, caring view of of our true value independent of our accomplishments. Meanwhile, our own self-love is largely determined by what we do. If we fall short, even though we know that we tried our best, we still castigate ourselves for being insufficient, unworthy creatures. So we want the world to show up for us in a way that we are often not prepared to show up for ourselves.”

Show up for yourself. You are worthy. You! Are! Enough!